Life...Naked and exposed with all it's evil and splendor
12July95
~For the first time in my life, I truly feel as if there is nothing in this world to smile about. Nothing seems to have any amount of beauty any longer. Trust, love, respect, companionship, concern, faithfulness, love (did I already say that?). Empty...
Everything is fucking empty...my heart, body, soul, eyes, love
13July95
~So much shit is going on inside of my head. Too much for me to seemingly deal with at times. Am I really as strong as I have always said that I am? I have good moments and bad moments. The bad moments come at very bad times, very unwelcomed feelings. Doubt floats through my thoughts...what really happened? I feel like I'm really in the dark here. No communication with the woman that I love (especially when she's going through this bad fucking time in her life) is ripping me apart.
Maybe I'm losing my sanity...
Maybe not~
I know one thing, though... this is shredding me, emotionally...and physically ripping my guts out.
16July95
~I don't know exactly what I saw the other night, but what I do know is what I saw upset me in a big way. I wanted to scream... I don't know what I wanted to do, actually. Maybe I just didn't have the vantage point that I needed to see everything the best. But, like I said, what I did see upset me beyond words, and sent me spiraling down once again.
Lost myself in my head last night. The concert was incredible! I had a good time, and I didn't think about Katie for a while. ~for a while...
She called me today, for the first time since last Tuesday. She sounded kind of down, so I asked her what was the matter, she said "nothing, I'm okay." I would like to think that her sort of down mood was a result of her missing me. This, however, I will never know. She said she would like to meet me sometime next week for dinner. I hope, hope, hope
I wonder what her typical day is like now. Does she still wake up and make herself one egg, and maybe some toast, sit down and watch a little bit of tv, stay in her pretty silk pajamas for a little while, and then take a shower to awake her pretty eyes to the challenges of another day? Does she think the house looks empty without me?, miss seeing me walking around inside?, giving her hugs and loving kisses? I don't know anymore. I know what I'd like the answer to that question to be, though. I miss smelling her hair, neck, cologne, pillow. I miss the way she would look at me. I remember when she went down to Texas for Thanksgiving...she would call me sometimes up to three times a day and tell me how much she was missing me, and couldn't wait to be near me again. And then, when she returned, one thing I will always remember her saying "L love you", I know, I said..."I don't think you know just how much I love you" she said back. God damn..I miss that. Her love was so satisfying to me-everything I ever needed. Is that love gone from inside of her? God, I pray that isn't the case. That's all I care to write/think about for now.
19July95
~I'll fill you in later...
This is what I wrote on the inside cover of a women's meditation/recovery book that I bought for Katie the other day. I am taking this down, with some flowers, to her at Cedar Springs Hospital in a few minutes.
"Katie,
I know this is a very difficult time for you. I just want you to know that I stand behind you no matter what, support you through everything, and will continue to love you forever. God is near you at this time, rest in that knowledge. I apologize for my past actions, and I commit myself and my future actions to be nothing but beneficial to you and your recovery.
I am here for you, I hold no bad feelings towards you...but most of all... I am Ron Farrell, your husband- and I love you.
Your hubby,
Ron"
I hope she understands how much she means to me, and that I'm not ready to give up on her yet. I can't quit now...
21July95
~Katie got the locks changed on the house today. Bernice told me that she said that when she gets out of Cedar Springs, I am to come by, get the rest of my things, and leave her alone. If I don't, she will file a restraining order against me. Love, Love, Love...
FUCK THAT...
She has been sober since Tuesday, is actively taking her antidepressants, and is thinking clear as a bell. If she can take actions this drastic, with a clear head...maybe she really means it. Maybe it's true...she wants me the fuck out of her life, never to return. ~Now what do I do?
I wish I believed in suicide. Maybe that way, the pain would stop, and I wouldn't have to convince myself to wake up everyday even though I know it's just gonna be another day of pain and false hopes. I hurt so bad...
24July95
~I screwed up bad...I think...
6August95
It's been almost a whole month now. Nothing has changed except the fact that I'm not crying as much anymore. I still miss my Katie as much as ever...it's just now, I am resigned to the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I go through my days, trying not to let myself think about how much I hurt deep down inside. When I begin to think about her, and how we used to be, I tend to get upset, depressed, and then force myself to think about something different so I won't cry. I just miss her so much. What am I going to do? I am so lost...alone, even though I am constantly surrounded by friends.
This is something I wrote about two months ago, while I was sitting at Kafeo...wondering what I was going to do about my life, moving out, Katie, and my fucking head. I just started writing this night, and some of the things that came out of my mind, went through the pen, and on to the page frightened me.
"Maybe I really fucked up, and now I'm paying for it...getting what I really deserve. Maybe not. Am I so self-centered that I will continue to dwell on this? Fuck that, I have a right to dwell on this. STOP DENYING WHAT YOUR REALLY NEED. A family. Children of my own, laughing- THEY HAVE HER EYES- I want this like my lungs want oxygen. Feelings have no eyes- THEY DETECT HURT-"
Pretty deep, huh? Katie, I don't know if we will ever be husband and wife again. Just know that I love you more than life itself, and I always will. Nothing else will ever matter to me. Until death us do part...I love you.
13August95
~I'm scared. Today I will be meeting with Katie and Perusse. I haven't seen Katie since the night I found her in bed with the other guy. What do I say? How do I act? What are we going to be able to talk about? All I want to do is run up to her, take her into my arms, and kiss her forever and tell her how much I love her. But I don't think I can do that. I'm not sure if she wants me to do that. I don't know if she is ready to put past shit in the past, and move on with a new marriage, or if she is going to harbor her anger towards me, still. And me...am I just going to give in, or will I be able to stand up for myself and not get trampled again? Will she see that I am a stronger person?...a person who will not be taken for granted anymore? Will she see that I truly want to forgive her? That I truly love her? (that I miss her more than I miss seeing the sun)>>> I wonder if she will ever ask for me to come back into her life as her husband. I wonder if she wants to be my wife any longer, or if this time away from each other has simply made her cold and given her a "fuck it" attitude towards our marriage. I wonder...I wonder...I wonder...
shut up Ron
I just put my ring back on...man, it feels weird. I miss wearing it. I haven't been because I figured I might as well get used to not wearing it. I haven't had it on my finger in almost a month. Fuck, time is flying. I'm confused, though- I thought time was only supposed to fly when you're having fun. Have I been having fun?... and if so, am I afraid to admit that I've been having fun because I'm not around my wife, and we're in this fucked-up situation?
I talked to Katie on Friday...for the first time in four weeks. I got a couple of 9090 pages on my pager, so I called the house to see if she was wanting to talk to me. She wasn't there, so I paged her...she paged me back, and put in the number for Blockbuster. I called her there, and she answered the phone. I didn't know quite what to say for the first second or two. We talked for a little, LITTLE while: she asked how I was, I asked the same...she said we were meeting on Sunday (today), and I said yes, but only if she wanted to- she said she did. There were a few more things said, and then I told her I'd let her go because I knew she was busy...but before I hung up the phone I said: "I just want you to know that I'm still praying for you and I wish you the best of luck with what you're doing. And, I love you." To that, Katie responded..."I love you too." I was blown away! I have been wanting to hear those words come from her lips for so so so long, now. I hope she meant it, and wasn't just saying it as a courtesy to me because I had said it first.j
God, I know I have fucked up...BAD, but I would ask that you be near to me and Katie today. Let us come together and love each other the way we used to. Let us forgive each other and move on in our marriage because we still have love for each other. Please, give me my wife back, and give her her husband back. This is all I ever ask of you...
"...if I could start again, a million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way..."
1October1995
~As the seasons begin to change, I am starting to have a harder and harder time dealing with this. Officially, Katie has told me that she doesn't wish to be married any longer. I was told this about three weeks ago, or so. Some days are easier to deal with than others. But, as the fall comes around, and the air becomes more crisp, so does my thinking, and then the realization that I truly miss my sweet wife. The only trouble is, she doesn't even exist anymore. The Katie that I love and miss is dead...and has been replaced with a woman that is very foreign to me. My heart still aches to have her again. To hold, caress, kiss, be with, and love. I miss being Katie's husband. I miss feeling proud that I have a beautiful, mysterious wife. I miss being around her every day, having her face be the first thing I see when I wake up, and the last vision my weary eyes see each night. I miss the way her beautiful hair smells, and the softness of her skin, and the tenderness in her eyes that could make me feel as though I were traveling to the depths of her soul when she would gaze into my face. I miss the sense of honor I had by wearing my wedding ring~ the tangible symbol of a lifelong promise of love. I miss being married to Katie.
...Who am I anymore? I keep thinking I know, but deep down I realize...I haven't got a clue. I'm still lost for an identity and sense of self worth because I placed all of that in Katie-and now that she's gone from my life I'm really struggling. Why can't I fucking feel whole again? I don't need another human being to make me feel that, do I? And if I do...should I? I don't think that's right. I feel lost in my head. As though I'm looking through someone else's eyes as they inhabit my body. And only sometimes can I grab the reigns back...look at myself momentarily, and see once again just how confused, hurt, lost, lonely, and ripped off I really feel. Fuck...just go away and let me begin a new life. I want to not think about this anymore. I wish there was some way to completely erradicate my emotions, and memories of when Katie was the love of my life, the only thing that meant anything to me, and when she was happy enough with me to look at me with tears in her eyes as she would tell me how thankful she was to have married me, and how she would sooner die than be apart from me. Why is that gone?...this is so unfair. And it hurts me so much...fuck, I miss the woman I love~ my wife Katie Farrell. I'm going to shut up now, because my mood is sinking to where my hope and heart lie...
4Feb96
~Did I bother to say Happy Fucking New Year yet? Well, it's been forever since I've written in this, for obvious reasons. I'm never alone! I can't stand to live with Stefan anylonger...and it's not just him, either...I just want to be alone for a while. I feel as if I'm slipping into my own mind once again. I feel as if there is noone who knows my feelings, and no one can save me from myself. I was dating this really nice woman, Angie, from Thanksgiving until last Thursday. I really liked her, too. She was good for me in a number of very real ways. However, she was ready to settle down, get married, and have a family (she's 28), and I'm nowhere fucking NEAR that! So, to make a long story short, because I'm screwed up in the head over Katie, still...I got dumped. Go figure...a woman who says she loves me, and will be there for me, and who wants to help me, leaving me in the end. Fucking ironic if you ask me. Like I said, though, it figures. Actually, I didn't expect anything different from her. Sometimes I still don't have the faintest idea of who I am. I think I'm becoming an introvert. I don't want to be around people a lot of the time...I usually just want to sit and think or write. I've taken up calligraphy lately, so that is kind of a fun thing for me to do that takes my mind off of things at hand. Ok...here's why I think I'm feeling kind of shitty today...I saw and talked to Katie yesterday. I've been trying to get in touch with her about getting me her tax information. So, she pages me yesterday morning - and we talked for a good hour or so. Nothing real in-depth...just the usual "what's going on in your life now that I'm not in it everyday like I fucking promised you on an alter that I would be" shit. Anyways, it was a decent conversation, and then last night, while she was at work, I stopped by and picked up all the information from her. She smiled at me, handed me the papers, gave me a hug, and said "It's good to see you." Yeah, yeah, yeah...fuckoff. Thanks for the lovely sentiment. She still has her DARK brown hair. Weird! She doesn't look like my sweet Katie at all...which I suppose is really for the better. It's painful to see her, hear her, and touch her again...but at the same time...it's not even the woman I fell in love with and married anymore. This woman is just, different. Nonetheless, I really miss her. I wish things were still the way they once were with us two. Why do I still love her? I can't even fathom looking at another woman the way I once looked at Katie. NO ONE turns my head, melts my heart, or stirs my emotions like Katie once did. Will I ever feel that intensity again? I'm beginning to wonder. Damn, I'm sitting here fucking crying again...I hate being depressed about this. It makes me feel like the loneliest person in the world. I miss you so much, Katie. God, I miss you. I have never hurt so bad, or for such a long time in my entire life. When will this end? When will I stop being tormented in my dreams? I still feel empty, like I have nothing more to give anyone, like I don't belong anywhere anymore. Still rejected, still hurt, still in love, still alone, still crying, still remembering, still married.
25May1996
~Hey, look...a new font for a new time. Pretty fucking cool, huh? Whatever. Let's see, where are things now? I'm living with Mom and Dad now, trying to save up and get out of debt. What it's turning out to be, however, is just a chance to run away from everyone I know and everything that hurts me. I just hole-up in this basement home and watch HBO. What a fun person I am. It is really hard, being around Dad, though. Much harder than I had originally counted on. It sucks seeing a man that, at one time in his life had so much energy and life, now not even be able to feed himself. The Farrell's struggles continue... Kelley is about to pop with this new baby. She's due on June 5th, but I'm hoping it's gonna come out on my birthday. That would be pretty cool. I went and got the divorce papers about two weeks ago and just this afternoon, looked at them. FUCK!...what a bunch of shit! This is going to be a rather difficult and time-consuming project, I can tell. There's so much that needs to be done. It's funny, in my expert opinion, getting married should be the involved process, not divorce. That way, during the paperwork process...a person will have time to step back and think to themselves, "shit, it this REALLY what I want to do?" Divorce ought to be as simple as: "You fucking hate him, he fucking hates you...you aren't married anymore, so you may go off a fuck any one you want now, without the fear that he'll catch you. Get out of my courtroom." Shit, I don't know anymore. I saw Katie last Saturday night down at the Underground. You know, everytime that situation arises, I say to myself: "that's the last time I come here...I don't want to be subjected to this again"...and then I start to think about it. I'm not about to let the possibility of seeing Katie make me change my plans and change the places I like to go. Fuck her. She was all over this motherfucker, too. Stefan said he saw them kissing, even. Tact Katie...ever hear of it? I walked right over to her after she took her arms from around his neck, stepped inbetween them and told her goodbye, that this was a bad situation, and that I should leave. Turned around, and walked (stumbled...I was pretty fucking drunk) out of there. She left soon after...maybe I made her uncomfortable. Maybe not. Who fucking cares. I'm to the point, once again, where I don't give a shit about anybody, can't stand to be around most people, and I'm just sick of the whole fucking world. When did things start to go so wrong? Why can't I GET OVER KATIE? FUCK. I want to run off so bad. To just leave everything behind. I wouldn't mind it at all if Katie got the fuck out of Colorado Springs, either. This is my town, go the fuck home to your fucking rich mommy you back-stabbing, lying, unfaithful, painful, spineless bitch. I wish so much that I could hate her. With all of the rage that I have built up inside...I could hate her well. I could hate her enough for everyone who's ever desired to hate anyone or anything. I could hate her enough to wish her dead. If only I could redirect that hate off of myself, that is. ...fuck it. who cares anyway...
9.9.96
Well, fucking hello fucking there. It's been a while since I've written last, eh? I'm now back into school, Stefan is in Ft. Collins at CSU, and the biggest news of all...Denny and Kelley had their baby! On June 3rd, Kelley had a seven pound baby girl. They named her Kiera Jordan Farrell, and she's absolutely beautiful! They are all doing great, as well. I, on the other hand, could be doing a little bit better. Quitting Titan has been a fucking disaster for me, financially speaking. I decided to go back to work at Village Inn, this time at the one on Austin Bluffs (which I am presently supposed to be at, but after my talk with Mom this afternoon I decided that I didn't want to be stuck closing the fucking restraunt and making only twenty bucks this evening...so I just decided not to call or show up. I'm such a dick-head. So, I might not have a job come tomorrow...oh fucking well). Well, it turns out that this particular Village Inn is worse than the other one! I'm not making shit for money, and everyone is too fucking lazy for words. So, I am now stuck trying to make ends meet and having no way of doing that. I'm really sinking into a type of depression, too. I'm just not happy.
9.11.96
Well, VI is more than likely pissed as shit at me. Oh well. I got a call back from Current this afternoon. They said that there was a position available for me as an assembler, but I told them that I'd rather hold out for a position as a customer service-whatever-the-fuck. They said that they would call me back. Sounded pretty promising. Got together with Sean this evening and went to Kafeo' and we met Amy down there. That was nice - we just sat there and drank coffee, smoked cigarettes, and talked. It started to rain while we were there, too. This, of course put me in a very mellow mood! So, I decided that it was time to come home and chill. As I speak, it's raining outside...my window is open, and the thunder is fantastic. Type O Negative is playing in the background, and I have some hot peppermint tea. This is a nice time, I think I need more times like this for myself. I think I should allow myself more times like these. One thing I keep thinking this evening, though, is how I'll bet Katie is enjoying the thunder and lightening as well. I wonder if she's in a nice relaxed mood herself, maybe watching a movie, or listening to music. This is the type of night that she would have gone to bed early, I would have joined her, we would have opened up the window, and then made sweet wonderful love together. I would give anything to just hold her in bed at times like these. To listen to her soft breathing, to feel her silken hair as it falls between my fingers. To hold her head against my chest... Man, here it comes again. What is ultimate loneliness? Are nights like this supposed to come every once in a while in order to clear one's head? Remember. How can I forget what is each day, for me, a new past memory? Ever new inside of my head, ever painful in my heart, eternally crushing to my soul. I miss her...
9.28.96
What am I supposed to feel when Dad cries? This is a question that haunts me. There come times like tonight when I feel so completely helpless about all of this that I think I might just go insane. Looking at him lying in bed there, totally still except for the ability to move his head and talk - for now. Pretty soon he won't be able to do that either. It occurred to me earlier, as I was watching him, that my father can't even wipe his own tears.
Sobering. Aw, I don't fucking know... Time to get a gun and fit it to my temple.
1.29.97
Happy New Year. I have been successfully dating Kathy since about Thanksgiving, now. She and I get along very well. Good news is that she hasn't scared me off! Maybe I'm finally able to have some one close to me once again. We'll see. She has told me that she loves me already. Let me tell you, that was very odd to hear from a woman again. Maybe just because of the depth with which it was said. Angie said those words as well, but when I heard them from her, it only made me angry. Do I love Kathy back? I honestly don't know. I do know that I am at the point where I don't want to be without her in my life. What does that mean? On one hand, I'm scared to love, and on the other hand I'm scared to lose her, now. Ugghhh! I suppose if I stop analyzing this, things will work out just fine, huh?!
I've been working at Current since October. It's not a bad job, per se'...just fucking boring after a while! I have been working in their customer assistance center, taking phone orders and doing customer service shit. It's been good for a while...but I'm really ready for a change. So, I got a call from Elizabeth about a month ago. She was telling me that USAA Insurance might be hiring, and that she thought I would fit in well working there. So, I went in and filled out an application. Well, I got a call a couple of days ago and it looks like I got the job! My job title will be an "Insurance Specialist." It is a full-time position, and has benefits...as well as a starting salary of 20K a year! Not bad! I'm excited about the possibilities of this one! The only thing that I think will suck is that there's ten weeks of training involved! Shit! Oh well, as I was telling Buddy...if this company is willing to invest their time and money into training me for ten full weeks, they must be willing to take care of me as a good, long-term employee. So...I can't wait to see what comes of this one! Later, asshole.
2.2.97
Why did tears come to my eyes when I heard her say that this morning? Maybe because I'm starting to feel the same way? Whew, that hasn't happened to me in...I can't tell you how long. Everyday I feel closer and closer to her, though. That I DO know. I go on Tuesday to have my interview. I'm kind of nervous. I'm worried that they'll see me and be less enthused than before because of my appearance. Nutshell: I'm worried I'm going to have to cut my hair. Is that fucking sad or what?! What a wuss! Still, it is my biggest worry right about now. That, and my fucking insurance problems, and the goddamed Colorado State Dept. of Motor Vehicles. Fuckers tell me I wasn't insured when I had my accident, even though my company forks over more than four grand to fix my car. Dumb motherfuckers! So, now, they're threatening to suspend my liscense until "proof" is faxed up to them. The only problem with this...their fucking fax line is ALWAYS busy! Sheesh...no wonder our government is so fucking backwards. Oh well... I'm going to go and get some stuff done, here on my day off, so...later.
4.25.97
Sometimes I shouldn't be dissapointed with the outcome of anything in life. After all, if you expect things to be fucked up, and you expect to lose all of the time...that way you won't be surprised when it happens. Of course, I wasn't offered the job at USAA. So, I continue at Current besause it's convenient. Chris Berkhahn came out and visited about a month ago, for a week. That was fucking fun! We had a blast together, went to Cripple Creek and drank a LOT! Kathy and I are still together, however she's annoying me more now than ever before. We had a talk the other day that I thought would end our relationship. I think I almost wanted it to as well. But, it just made her step back and quit hounding me as much. We'll see if that works, I guess. I just don't know, I don't think I want to be in a 'committed' relationship right now. Plus, her son, Andrew, drives me fucking nuts. I don't think I have the strength to make our relationship work. Then again, I don't know much about what I can give in a relationship anymore.
I bought a guitar a couple of months ago. I've been teaching myself how to play. Buddy has one as well, so we're seriously trying to get good at it. I am quite serious about starting this band. I've also been writing a lot of songs lately. We've also been going back to the gym lately. I think I have just been getting more and more angry with who I am and what I'm doing lately...trying to change/fix myself, if you will. Days pass into each other and soon become weeks, and I'm left wondering what the hell happened to my life and where is it going?
9.6.97
Life is getting very full right now. I took two summer school courses. Got a B and a C, not too bad. Right now I'm enrolled in full-time school (13 credit hours) and I also still work full time at Current. Busy might qualify for an understatement. Dad has been in respite care at Hospice for about a week and a half now. Mom had surgery on her wrist and wasn't going to be able to take care of him as usual. Hopefully, he'll be home in about another week or so. His condition has been steadily worsening. I fear he won't make it another year. Kiera is walking and almost talking now. She has certain phrases that she knows, and it about the cutest thing in the world. Kathy moved back to Florida on the 7th of August. That sucked. I'm better now, but for a good week or so, I was completely upset about her leaving. Life has a way of just going on. Yesterday, I decided that I was tired of my "look"...so I changed it. I bought a different pair of glasses, and just last night I had Buddy and Kara shave my head. A little drastic?! Yes, that's the point, though. I look like I could've starred in Natural Born Killers now. It's wonderfully maintenance free too! I met a woman at the nightclub, The Church, in Denver a little over a month ago. Her name is Darian Quest Dvorak. She and I get along wonderfully. The one problem, that may actually not even be a problem at all is that she lives in Denver. Seeing as how I have a problem when a woman gets too emotionally close to me, it's almost ideal. We'll see, though. I think one of the main reasons for shaving my head yesterday was fear and anticipation. You see, yesterday I went and had my first STD/HIV test completed. Even though I'm not high at all in the "risk" category, I'm still worried...no, I'm scared. I get the results for the STD test on Tuesday, over the phone. But, for the HIV results, I have to wait two weeks, make an appointment, and actually go back into the clinic for the answer that will allow me to live, or inform me of my impending death. Yeah, I'm scared. Waiting...what a cruel game. If I'm positive, what am I going to tell my family? Mom? "Hi guys. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm going to die of a horrible disease that I pretty much allowed myself to contract. That's pretty much it...anyone for after dinner coffee?" Fuck. I'm really, really scared about this. Time to face the music, however. I can't continue to wonder whether or not I'm infected. That's worse than knowing the worst. So anyways, welcome to my life. Be gentle with my mind because it's already full of concern, hurt, failure and fear. With death all around me, it's so hard to want to live.
10.3.97
Where is my happy ending? That’s what Paula Cole sings on her CD. What a nice line. I went into the clinic the other day, and got good news: I am officially HIV...negative. I was actually very scared about the last fifteen minutes, or so, before I got the actual news. There I was, thinking...”my life as I know it could be over in as little as a few minutes.” Yeah, I was pretty fucking scared. It’s pretty weird, there are times in life when you worry so much about the outcome of a particular event and when the event is actually over, and it went the positive way...you look back and think...hell, I didn’t really have to worry about it that much after all. I never felt that way after finding out that I didn’t have HIV. I think I was literally so scared that I couldn’t allow myself to feel any other way. I have been acting strange lately, again. I swear, I wish I knew what my problem was sometimes. It’s just like there are so many things in my life that could overwhelm me at any given moment that I have to fight to not let them. If I slow down, work less, drink less and think more...I’m afraid of what might happen to me. Shit, I just don’t know. I feel disgusted with myself again, I think that might be part of what’s going on. I don’t go to school because I’m hung over because I drank too much the night before because I’m weak because I hate myself...and then I hate myself all over again and I don’t go to school because I don’t want to face things and just want to sleep. How pathetic can a 24 year old be? Fuck, I think I’m really trying, and then I screw myself again. The old cliche’ of one step forward, two back...instead in my case it seems more like one step forward before turning, and running backwards. I got the divorce filed on the 18th of last month, which was a great milestone in my life. I was finally ready to do it, and took it by the reigns and did it. So...everything will be official on the 18th of December. Merry Christmas to me! Darian is getting close to me, and as clockwork...I’m now beginning my routine of pulling away. I just don’t want to commit to her. I don’t feel any amount of “feelings” as far as committment or love or anything for her. I enjoy being around her...sometimes. At other times she reminds me of Katie and I want to fucking wring her neck. Oh well, this relationship is doomed anyways...and I suppose that I really don’t even give a shit. I have too much going on to give a shit. And even if I didn’t have anything going on, that weird part is that I don’t know if I’d even give a shit then! I don’t think I’m incapable of love and comittment. I do, however, feel that I haven’t found someone I would even remotely consider investing that part of myself in as of yet. That’s actually got to be a good sign, if any. I’m being picky. I deserve more than I allow myself...the trouble is that I just don’t know exactly what it is that I deserve yet, or want yet, for that matter. Kathy is returning for a visit in November. From about the 6th or 7th until the 17th. Oh shit. I’m going to be really glad to see her, to touch her, kiss her and make love to her...but I can already tell that I’m going to be a fucking basketcase when she leaves again. Maybe I let myself feel more for Kathy than I myself even knew. It’s already October. I think this last year has been one of the fastest years of my life. It’s like I closed my eyes because I didn’t like what I saw or had to deal with...and time ran by me without a second thought. Through a veil of shit, denial, drugs, and alcohol I have let this past year rape my mind with it’s mysteriousness. Fear is quite the motivator of ignorance, is it not?
10.23.97
Welcome to my new font! Looks pretty fucked up, huh?! I can’t believe I’m already on the tenth page of typed material in this journal. Mom told me that Dad isn’t doing very good the other day. I hear he’s having trouble breathing and swallowing now. This sucks, just fucking waiting around for him to get to the next stage of terribleness. It’s not getting better, and the only thing we can count on is it getting progressively worse. Fucking cruel is you ask me. I tried some new drugs the other night. Made me kind of loopy and scattered. This is what I came home and wrote at 4am:
It kind of felt like my brain was collapsing on itself. Short of breath, and yet, not. Faint, but very in-tune - happy yet very aware. My nose felt full, and then closed. Eyes began to fill with the salty-drug-filled tears. Kind of made my contacts float on my eye. Almost able fo count the heartbeats as they strained against the ribcage that held their enemy captive. Was that freedom? Could I have willed myself to lose gravity? After all, I was above my body. Almost looking at myself through some other sadistic manner. Talked a lot- almost panicky. Wanted to run, fly, float, sing, scream, sit, talk, stare, laugh, do more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more and still more...but not really. Maybe it was just nerves, adrenaline, that kind of thing. Gotta go DO something! Fuck, have to wait here...but I really want to go somewhere. Dancing, drinking, no - dancing. I was ready to feel music rape my senses. My nose isn’t shut anymore. I feel like I can’t inhale enough air. I love the cold air on my nose. Welcome to life. Here, do another. I didn’t, too scared of what further reaction will be - should’ve done more. ‘Ere, take another hit. This shit is mellowing me out - maybe making me more aware of how up I’ve been...feels pretty good, though. Always makes the muscles in my legs tremble. Not aware of a lot until I become wide awake. Makes thinking a scattered truth. So high now, but still ready to run and become lost. Don’t try to run from yourself - teach yourself how to run alongside you. Accept your nature, and weaknessess. The mixture, so regal and evil looking. Almost can see a sparkle - gone. Kind of an ivory hue. Hey - quit staring into me as I line up. Close one eye and squint the other, just like a runny nose. Start slower, then speed the process with one controlled yet powerful...SNIFF.
...a lot of times the ideas are stuck. There but never attainable. Would’ve been nice to have a pen the whole time. Document the surrealistic nature of almost complete, pure knowledge of the moment.. Here and now. There is no never, and not heard of ever. Only this, here, us, me and it. Liberator? Slave? It doesn’t answer, the brain is jumpy. THC brings a touch of soft reality, before totalling the sum, and bringing the dream-like confusion. And yet, not tired. I don’t feel like drifting into sand as normal. I feel like writing until my mind is purged. Until the flow dries, until the rythmn drowns in it’s repetition. Windy that night - almost wished for my long hair with which to experience the wind. It reddens my cheeks - leaves sound lound sometimes. Shit, I would’ve partied all night, I huess it’s good that nothing was retrieved or procured. Fly away- A new thing. N new side. An unrehearsed play - yet very familiar and not a shock. Just a matter of when? Yea - most likely. What an exceleration in thought and waking dream. Can’t put the ends of one together before grasping another. Bad breeds bad, and I am in love with fucking myself. The more unbelievable - the more expected things become. “I’ll try anything once” is bound to end up on my gravestone! I want to experience life in every aspect. Every mental state. It’s almost as if one says, okay, I’ve tried life, loss, and emotins in the perceived real world - now let me alter the jury and the base method of judgement and see if I’m able to cope any differently. Do tears mean the same in this world? What might the new threshold for pain, physical or otherwise, be here? Wish I could close the door here, all of the visualities are flying away quickly. Or until I open the glass door again.
So, there you have it. Am I seriously fucked in the head, or what?! Oh well. I enjoyed the experience, and I plan on doing it again. How often?...time will tell that.
